don't you hate me. just trust that this will work out.

sometimes things just don't happen the way you told yourself they would happen.

i've missed you, so much.
hopefully i come home to you.

you're with the wrong guy. and as long as you're not with me, you're going to be lost.
and i'm lost too. but i'll be the one to find you.

context

for those of you that read my letters, thank you.
in context, i was writing these letters to one person. my aim was to redeem myself, to prove that maybe it was possible to fix your past. to maybe forgive one another for mistreatment throughout your relationship. in response to my words, i've been told that they're not what's being read anymore, and that i'm not who they're thinking about anymore.

i'm just learning that i know i'm a good person and that i know what i want. i'm finally happy again. i smile too often to be sad like this. i'm not going to lose sleep anymore. i'm just going to keep being.

if you read my words when they were available, i can't explain to you how much i appreciate it. on a lighter note, i leave on a bike trip from vancouver to new found land for the breast cancer society in june.

here is the link: https://secure.bcsc.ca/menu.php?page=64&list=514&formid=23

au revoir, mon cherie!

all right

but if what you're thinking about isn't me, this was all i could do.

thank you for reading, and to whomever else read, thank you as well.

redefined

"i don't understand how some days the word 'forever' is the sweetest and most finalized word to run off the tongue and other days it is a foul and unthinkable, unrealistic word. i just want to know if forever means anything to you! if my belief that we'll never split is one you share. that you too have faith that things will always work out. i want to have that kind of security. to me, love is the utmost powerful thing. i know you sit there and tell me knowledge is where power resides but without love, so many discoveries and facts would be unknown. really! 'behind every strong and smart man is a stronger and smarter woman.' you need to have faith. my heart is 100% yours. it will NEVER falter.

mark my words, i will love you forever."

- you

so let this entry be my new beginning, my pledge to betterness.

take all i've ever said throughout our relationship that in some shape or form is unfair or negative to you and toss it from your mind. i have expressed too many unfair assumptions and i am here to redeem myself. i am in love with you. i have the utmost confidence in our love, in you, in us. what falters in me the most is the world around me; the fear that we could die like the things around us. but right there is my problem. and it is exactly where "just be" comes in. i can't live in fear. i must live in faith; in sheer confidence that as long as i am trying and loving and fair my fear will never come true. i must tell you that i love you. i must have confidence in love and especially your love. i must stop my worrying. and i will, i promise you change will come from me and love will grow and grow and grow. obstacles that pose us a problem only will make us stronger. our educations and travels and commitments will pose us with challenges but i am sure and confident we will do what's best. i know you stand by "just be," but i believe our love will be consistent and lasting. whether you're at school, across the world, or i'm back in africa, i know things will be perfect again. my heart is alongside yours and regardless if my independence is a bit weaker, i will always believe in love. i will always believe in us. i love you so much.

when i say that you're my one true love, i mean it. when i call you my sweet girl, my baby, mon cherie, my love or my beautiful lady, i mean it. when i tell you how badly i want to sleep beside you, oh god, i mean that. when i say that you're everything to me, i mean it. when i tell you i want to make love to you, i mean it. when i say you're my best friend, i mean it.

"there's something in me that keeps telling me it will all work out, and i believe it. so here you go, a seventeen year old girl's pledge to you for as long as you'll have her. it may seem cliche, or completely unnecessary, but i want this on paper. i want it laid out for you to always have, so that you know my heart is yours. i want to spend the rest of my days with you. and if one day you do too, i will love you forever. believe that."

- you

a new name for everything

"and even if you can't see me, i am right beside you every step of the way. my love for you is everlasting. i think about what you might be doing everyday, and go to sleep dreaming your arms are snug around my waist."

- you

so do i.

but everything is going to be alright. i've been smiling, writing, biking, reading.

there was a letter you wrote to me when i was across the sea. "should i feel in the wrong to want to be held, to want to make love rather than fuck, to ask again if you're free just in case or to turn your lips to mine to kiss you? whatever happened to the shaun who would pull me in closer in bed? or the shaun who would take the time to write me notes and make me tapes? the shaun that would make me feel beautiful when we would make love? that guy. i know he's there, he always has been. you've just forgotten about him, and shouldn't have. i miss that side of you. bring him back. please!"

and you know what? you're not wrong. you never were wrong. you continued to write...

you wrote to me and said "so shaun, do me proud, stay strong." and this is me staying strong.

this is me bringing him back. and i fucking know you're there... just bring you back, please.

come home to me sweet girl, let me shower you in my love.

i need my heart.

a new, old

a horse in a prairie, a bird in a sea.

that i once was, and this i will be.

"i want to be there with you to tell you it's going to be alright when you panic. i want to be there when you're lost to guide you home. i want to be in your bed at night so you can sleep... so i can sleep. so know that everything will be alright, you will be safe and i will be there as you sleep. always."

- you

friday night i was drunk on a bottle of rum, sitting on a couch i've never sat on before. i watched you and you and you and you and you dance to loud music. all new things following, i was smiling.

i can finally admit that i have found who i used to be.

i've collected myself, and it feels natural to just be.

i am happy again.

backwards

everyone always goes back to where they were once comfortable.

december 5th, 2007:

your face looks like the fairytale explosion says:
i put you in my life cause i'd rather not be without you anymore. i did it for too long.

your face looks like the fairytale explosion says:
you didn't do anything but be what you're best at, which is yourself.

your face looks like the fairytale explosion says:
you only ever left in presence, anyways.
your face looks like the fairytale explosion says:
you've a huge impact on me.
you said:
i told you i'd nevaaa change.

your face looks like the fairytale explosion says:

don't forget who you are.
you said:
i won't.

it's weird to feel that the love you have is so strong that it will forever rid you of anger, misery, sadness and that it will always make you smile. that's where i am now: knowing that i'll simply have to continue loving you one way or another because it brings out the best in me.

"ps. don't ever stop playing 'the girl,' because i won't ever stop listening."

- you

on reflection

it's helpful to know that so many people have been reading these letters.

i guess it's due from to explain the context in which they were written, so briefly i will attempt to show you: upon arriving home from africa, i lost my friends, some family and most importantly, myself. i became negative towards everything and just pushed everything away from me. fast forward to now, where it's just me now. i'm all i have left and it's hard to fight for your feelings and backtrack so much, but what else is left for me?

so i've been writing, and you've been reading. and i don't think i've completely washed myself of negativity but i certainly have learned to filter it. i know who is important to me, i know who i love and there is no need to let my past memories or my pessimism or anything stupid interfere. that old, fun guy isn't vanished completely. but it took some things for him to learn, and i have learned and will continue to learn. maybe nobody believes me, but i know i am growing happy.

i know i am happy now, and i know i have grown.

on summary

"and ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation."

- khalil gibran, the prophet

so maybe it's time to realize that my love isn't what's needed, anymore. one man can only spend so much time hoping, checking, checking in, crying, writing, thinking, wishing, searching before he comes to know that his love isn't what is loved anymore; that his love isn't worth anything. but i have learned that whether or not i have you, i am happy. it's hard, but i am happy because i know i love you and because i am learning to be a better, more supportive and fun person.

i just want you to know then that my days were spent completely. i enjoyed every present you made, every note you left on my pillow, the pita pizzas we would eat. all the wake up calls so i wouldn't be late for class, snicker-doodles, the reduced rack i always protected for your mother, the phone cards that emptied your bank account just to calm me down, the journal that made sure i didn't miss a moment. the blanket i sleep under, the pictures i look at, the bear in my closet. the amount of subs we ate, the times you threw out my smokes, picking you up drunk. getting high in my bathroom downstairs, listening to owen on my car hood, making you a birthday dinner at hooters. sitting on jordan's roof in the rain singing together, laying on the floor with duke, buying sam a pig, convincing my mom to let us buy beyonce... and failing. making you my broccoli soup, buying you tomato tortellini, being back before dark. watching all of true blood, watching all of hung, convincing you that paris hilton is better than both perez and nicole, listening to the synopsis of every book you read. telling you the first time we talked that i was going to make you fall in love with me (and following through), you being my tigeress, knowing that our love is like a lottery ticket: "sorry just one cherry, play again!" and knowing i'll always play again. waiting in met hospital convinced i had yellow fever, beating up sarah every time i saw her, buying sarah thongs for christmas, you sneaking on lingerie to seduce me, you succeeding in seducing me. loving the fact that your friday nights were filled with literature and tea, finding 'i love you' magnets on my fridge, midnight grocery shopping, making you do shots in my basement, sitting an inch away from your face without kissing. writing songs for you while i lived in a poor village, writing songs for you when i lived in my room. winning over your father, taking care of sarah when i found her in a park passed out drunk, a mid-summer night's dream. making you a mix-tape and introducing "from me, to you," buying you sunflowers in season and out of season, making you a corsage, telling you that i loved you at my prom party. leaving that note on your porch, the seagull olympics, our picnics at the river, super smash brothers... GAME, OVER!!!!, trying to be orlando bloom and keeping you awake to watch the sunrise. painting with you in your backyard, embarrassing you shirtless on riverside drive, paying 450$ dollars just to have the internet in africa. explaining to african people that you were my wife, playing with cats at petsmart, solving every fight before we slept. honking at every person on the street, listening to "marriage" for two years straight every single fucking day, painting my guitar. killing our diet by eating as much capri pizza as we could, buying you a raspberry muffin for your birthday. that tree in optimist park, 150 mosquito bites because of that tree in optimist park, your pool, throwing sarah in the pool, throwing you in the pool. driving your mom to the mechanic, watching you play soccer, loving to watch you play soccer. secretly staying at the university of windsor for you, secretly convincing you that english was better than journalism so you'd stay at the university of windsor with me, stealing our whole wardrobe from american eagle, my favourite dress, buying you so many cameras from russia, africa, canada, the united states, going to mexican town, going to value village. embarrassingly sitting on my bed every time we fell apart talking to my mom and explaining to her that it was the wrong decision because you were the girl i wanted. the pictures you took, the journals you wrote, doing my homework, doing your homework. the way you held my hand, the way i rubbed your back, how you pulled my hand over you every time i faced the wall... god i fucking wish i never faced that wall. the way you kissed me, even when i was being stubborn... i enjoyed every moment. i loved loving you.

so i'm left with these words...

love will thread a blanket, from me to you, that we will both sleep under.

i'm really sorry i didn't say these things months ago when i fucking should have. but i can only learn from my mistakes and hope that you will believe me.

i love you.

all roads lead two

i guess this has become my emancipation. not only have i spent weeks on end writing continuously, i've spent months thinking unhindered.

what's happened to me? i am always trapped between these four walls. in my room, there is a framed picture of a woman in a fur hat. she sits upright and holds a fur muff that covers her lower left arm: she is always looking towards whoever is gazing, and that's usually me. but i don't know where her face is. she symbolizes something more than everything else. this picture becomes an escape from everything else that i'm not able to live, whether by force or by choice.

you live in limbo away from everything, only it takes you a lengthy time to realize this. i oft hear people arguing that they live imaginatively while the "real world" continues to happen. i offer that you live completely while the imaginative world continues to not happen.

again i return to my real world... to my belief that love will be the only thing to free anyone. though "for even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you," you still grow and shed and grow again. for money is useless to me now: the earth provides enough for me to exist and even if i wanted to, i could never take more than what my hands could hold. and my possessions are nothing but things i keep in fear of being disadvantaged. but at what? none may agree, but my feelings and my thoughts are the instruments which sail my seafaring soul.

"he sallied out, changed direction four times not knowing what he should save first before his attention was suddenly caught by the picture on the wall - which was already denuded of everything else that had been on it - of the lady dressed in copious fur. he hurried up onto the picture and pressed himself against its glass, it held him firmly and felt good on his hot belly. this picture at least, now totally covered by Gregor, would certainly be taken away by no one."
- franz kafka, the metamorphosis

gnidaer peek

.uoy htiw thgif ot gnilliw si enoemos esuaceb evol rof thgif dluohs uoy taht ezilaer lliw uoy epoh tsuj i ,daetsni .hguorht tnew uoy selbuort eht fo esuaceb evol thgif ton od .noitautis ysae na s’ti ,hguoht ,lufhturt eb ot .drah s’ti flesruoy gnillet er’uoy esuaceb drah ylno s’ti :uoy fo tnorf ni thgir s’tahw ezilaer dluow uoy hsiw tsuj i .uoy dnuora enoyreve dna flesruoy truh uoy ,dne eht ni .t’nseod ti dna ...tuo krow ot gniog si gnihtyreve taht flesruoy ecnivnoc ot evah uoy nehw gnignellahc s’ti .ko tuo ti ekam ot gniog er’uoy rehtehw ,ton ro uoy ot gniyl era sgnileef ruoy rehtehw ,dnuorg sah ni eveileb uoy gnihtyna rehtehw gnirednow drah yrev s’ti

but i still drive the buick. and that park is still where we left it. and those lyrics i wrote haven't changed. and you're still the only one who was on the other line. and i still think you're beautiful and i always hope you're having a great day. whether or not you believe me when i say that i'm still thinking about you, i am. you can still cry in front of me, not alone in your bed. we could still reopen that bed and breakfast.

don't let me be the only one sweeping up our glass.

i can't do this alone.

when you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. when you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
- khalil gibran, the prophet

who's going to love you?

twenty-nine palms

i know right now i'm hard to remember, but i'm impossible to forget. for the most part, i've been sleeping my whole life. so you see, i don't know a lot about everything. but i do know a lot about the part of everything that i know: us. and fuck... i failed. i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed, i failed. but sadness is so much easier only because it's surrender. and i have the courage to stick around and make you wonder why i'm still sticking around, smiling. you and i were complete opposites, and it worked. something happened to us that was not part of the plan: we fell in love. but we're one of a kind. so when you're ready, i will be more than willing to meet you and watch the sunrise.

but know that it only makes me happy to know you're alright simply because it's better than knowing you're doing poorly. i know you promised that you wouldn't give up, and i know you mean it. no matter what lyrics you sing, what books you read or what words you write, i will always know what you're thinking. so what if right now everything's wrong? you fight for what is true.

i'm not going to wake up and tell you that i don't love you.

i miss your lips, and everything attached to them.

i'm not really hungry, anymore.

nothing is hiding now.

maybe

just, maybe.

but for now there is no balance. i feel so sporadically distributed.

but soon enough you should be able to notice. i think you already have, anyways.

i've been writing what have been my most important feelings down lately, so if you want to read them, you're welcome to ask; but i'm not going to post them in public.

all in all, you need to know you didn't waste time waiting for me to come around; you don't have to wait out in the cold: summer was our best season, anyways; i don't have anymore secrets, but if i did, you'd be first to find out.

i haven't faded away.

i want your love, and this is me saying so.

i'll be waiting.

scenes

from me was the only thing i could give to you, and you've returned nothing to me but mockery. and i'm not your scenic route anymore; you'll have to find another road to take. i was stopped a few miles ago, and i'm not here anymore. i don't hate you nor do i wish to ever hate you, but don't mistake your steps as glory; don't deny my attempts as honesty.

i apologize, for i seem to have arrived with items of yours in my bag. i'll be waiting to give them back.

nevermind

i've nothing poor to say about you.

it is in contempt or the intention to hurt, and not the harm itself that constitutes the offence.

- jean-jacques rousseau, discourse on inequality